Someone pointed out to me yesterday that I was still in Toronto on the subway and maybe it was time to get off. I wondered why I was feeling not quite here...
And I suppose that's as good a subject as any. Being here. Being
Here.
If you have ever tried to medidate, you will know without a moment's puzzlement why that's a worthy topic of discussion. If you haven't...actually even if you have...take a minute right now. One minute. Sit where you are right now...oh, okay, maybe not right where you are since you're in front of a computer screen. Okay, sit on the floor beneath where you are sitting right now and set your kitchen timer for 60 seconds. Focus your eyes on something about two or three feet ahead of you. Now unfocus. Now think about nothing.
You are thinking about nothing. You are thinking about nothing. You are thinking about thinking about nothing. You are thinking how uncomfortable this cold tile floor is on your bum. You are thinking about breakfast. You are thinking, I should be thinking about nothing. You are thinking about nothing. You are thinking about tht hole in the wall in front of you that a mouse could probably crawl through. You are thinking about remembering to think about nothing. You are thinking about boys. You are thinking about girls. You are thinking about someone naked. No you are not supposed to be thinking about someone wearing nothing. You are supposed to be thinking about nothing. You are thinking about nothing. You are thinking about how its funny how thinking about nothing is really thinking about something just like someone wearing nothing is really something. Something nice. No. Think about nothing. Nothing. No thing. Hey, nothing is really two words. No thing. Isn't it amazing how you can use a word so many millions of times and not really know it. Like someone you've known forever who does something surprising. Wait, what was I supposed to be doing again? What am I doing on the cold floor? Oh right, nothing.
So you see how difficult it is to be just be here. Because that's what medidation is all about. Being so completely in the moment that you're outside of it. I think the idea is to gain some perspective on things. Look at things from a greater distance. Not as in, so far away I don't care about it. But as in, look, I'm a bird, I can fly over my life and see how small and perfect and mine it is.
Not that I'm any great expert. My attempts to medidate are pretty much variations on the above conversation with myself. But I continue to try. Because while I spend a lot of time being in the world, I know I need to get better at being there "now". Or here. now.
Perhaps then I won't end up on an endless Toronto subway with two guys talking about a party they don't want to go to and how cold it is outside. I think this is my stop.
